I don’t know what’s wrong with me man. I feel like i’m losing it . I feel so fucking lost as of recent. Just mad out of place everywhere I am as of recent. First it was the robot feeling, now it’s..... it’s... I don’t even know anymore. I’ve been through hard times in this life shit before.. yes.. will get through this... but let me tell ya. I don’t know how. That’s how i feel right now. I don’t know how.
I missed work again today. Not sure if my alarm went off at all. Either way. I woke up 20 mins after I was supposed to clock in. I’ve already been talked to by the manager lady about missing several clock-ins / no-call no-shows. She had me sign a bunch of shit acknowledging that she talked to me about some shit. I told her for a couple of the call-offs, it was because i graduated community college and went out of town to attend the graduation. I don’t know. I fucking hate that job. I don’t care if they fire me. I should care though. I don’t have any money. That’s the only job getting me some money right now, and it’s a here and then thing. When i first moved to STL (and i discuss this in a previous blog post), I had 3 jobs really. Marc Jacobs, Fedex, and a screenprinting gig that was kinda occasional, but still paid. It was all cool, but I felt like a robot. I felt like I was losing myself in it. And most of all, I was fucking exhausted all the time. I don’t know what the solution is gang. Well actually , maybe i do. Maybe it’s just taking a while to materialize.
It’s not like this is the first time i’ve ever paid bills, ran g-a®, and been on some independent shit. It’s not. Before I moved, I did all of this.. I delivered packages. If I was ever short on bread it’s because I spent hella bread tryna invest in inventory or some sort of creative opportunity. But more or less, I always had some bread for food, gas, and shit like that. I’m not saying that things should be just like that again, but I’m trying to remind myself that I’m not some lazzee dude. Yes i spelt it like that. I would deliver fkkin 140 or whatever packs, haul ass 2 hrs to stl, do some shit like record music, or vend at an event, or whatever, and then drive back and do it again the next morning . I don’t know man. I just don’t know what is going on right now . I feel so fucking lost.