Here I am . It’s an amalgamation of shit that’s happened / been happening. i thought i had a grip on things, and it felt like that for a while but i guess i was wrong, my fault
i’m on the verge of losing everything and you know what , maybe that’s what needs to happen
lose everything and everyone
im just so tired of fighting man
i thought i knew some shit, i thought i had a grip on things
being patient hoping itd all be different
constantly ignoring the voices in my head that want me to kill myself
i am actually mad emotional mad paranoid and mad hater of myself
i dont even know who “myself” is, im just sickly, thats been the closest ive ever known of myself .
i didnt think i was just waving around in the wind but i knew id rather pursue this than be apart of the system . turns out there is multiple systems . i thought i had a grip .
i dont know anything anymore . sometimes i dont want to live anymore i been feeling like that alot recently
but fuck it
im still here
even if i lose everything and everyone
the story continues, i know what i seen, i know what im here to do, and its going to happen
i just have to not kill myself and figure out some way to express more accurately in my work because my art is going to help a lot of people not kill themself and shit like that
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i’ve begun to achieve parts of my dreams, why do i feel like this
why do i want to die man this shit is crazy
this shit didnt happen out of thin air, i was involved enough to progress it here, why do i feel like i dont deserve this. i put the essence of my being into what i do, its all i fucking think about. its all i spend my money on. its all i spend my time on. its all i bet on. the little happiness i would feel is dissipating more and more
nowadays im ready for shit to be over so i can look back at it. this makes me want to kill myself
i refuse to accept that as reality. its not. there is a missing link, an absence of inner-knowing perhaps, i dont know.
im not a substance user, i am a genuinely energetic and positive person. what is happening man
to this day i dont use anything to cope with these feelings, let alone do i often express them in writing or conversation so its very heavy now to the point where i often dont know where to start or what to start with .maybe i couldve done better than i did . not sure how to gage this shit . im often emotionally sold out. just saying shit that i dont mean.
i just keep going.
but to be honest
i dont want to be around people for a while . and thats funny because i struggle greatly with loneliness. its okay.
i just dont want to hurt anyone anymore bro, and i feel my being is just like----- dissipating, transforming into something and someone i no longer recognize
and im going to hurt a lot people, in this mode, and i wont care, and i will keep going. its not me.
i need a long time away, in thought
there is a link missing
not saying before it was perfect , but i had a grip . i felt it . i felt the vitality.
i just need to be offline for a while. there is a light i see
just need a minute
and i know the world doesnt stop
so when i return things will have changed
people will have changed
and i’ll be okay with starting over .
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im a week out from an opportunity . so not dissapearing yet .
but i really want to
im going to try this out . broadcasting live from rock bottom you are listening to the Sound of SICKLY Skot Free