Here I am . It’s an amalgamation of shit that’s happened / been happening. i thought i had a grip on things, and it felt like that for a while but i guess i was wrong, my fault
i’m on the verge of losing everything and you know what , maybe that’s what needs to happen
lose everything and everyone
im just so tired of fighting man
i thought i knew some shit, i thought i had a grip on things
being patient hoping itd all be different
constantly ignoring the voices in my head that want me to kill myself
i am actually mad emotional mad paranoid and mad hater of myself
i dont even know who “myself” is, im just sickly, thats been the closest ive ever known of myself .
i didnt think i was just waving around in the wind but i knew id rather pursue this than be apart of the system . turns out there is multiple systems . i thought i had a grip .
i dont know anything anymore . sometimes i dont want to live anymore i been feeling like that alot recently
but fuck it
im still here
even if i lose everything and everyone
the story continues, i know what i seen, i know what im here to do, and its going to happen
i just have to not kill myself and figure out some way to express more accurately in my work because my art is going to help a lot of people not kill themself and shit like that
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i’ve begun to achieve parts of my dreams, why do i feel like this
why do i want to die man this shit is crazy
this shit didnt happen out of thin air, i was involved enough to progress it here, why do i feel like i dont deserve this. i put the essence of my being into what i do, its all i fucking think about. its all i spend my money on. its all i spend my time on. its all i bet on. the little happiness i would feel is dissipating more and more
nowadays im ready for shit to be over so i can look back at it. this makes me want to kill myself
i refuse to accept that as reality. its not. there is a missing link, an absence of inner-knowing perhaps, i dont know.
im not a substance user, i am a genuinely energetic and positive person. what is happening man
to this day i dont use anything to cope with these feelings, let alone do i often express them in writing or conversation so its very heavy now to the point where i often dont know where to start or what to start with .maybe i couldve done better than i did . not sure how to gage this shit . im often emotionally sold out. just saying shit that i dont mean.
i just keep going.
but to be honest
i dont want to be around people for a while . and thats funny because i struggle greatly with loneliness. its okay.
i just dont want to hurt anyone anymore bro, and i feel my being is just like----- dissipating, transforming into something and someone i no longer recognize
and im going to hurt a lot people, in this mode, and i wont care, and i will keep going. its not me.
i need a long time away, in thought
there is a link missing
not saying before it was perfect , but i had a grip . i felt it . i felt the vitality.
i just need to be offline for a while. there is a light i see
just need a minute
and i know the world doesnt stop
so when i return things will have changed
people will have changed
and i’ll be okay with starting over .
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im a week out from an opportunity . so not dissapearing yet .
but i really want to
im going to try this out . broadcasting live from rock bottom you are listening to the Sound of SICKLY Skot Free
Gyah........ Waking up again holding my breath . ! THINK POSITIVE , THINK POSITIVE , THINK POSITIVE . WHEN IN DOUBT, EMPTY THE CLIP.
I’ll pretend like i’m talking into the Ether when i say this, but . I be talmbout i’m this ,, im that ,,, nigga u got a whole warehouse full of stock at the mf studio. time to make some shit flip .! ! RN.
Just highkey went to see Backrooms with P. Loved how a couple of the scenes of them in the Backrooms were shot on VHS. Super Sick movie. My fav in-comparison to Obsession. At the same time though, i feel like they both had great things about them. In Obsession i loved Nikki’s character. Inde Navarrette absolutely murdered with her performance. So i’d sayy that’s one of the main things i enjoyed about obsession. Backrooms was super sick because i enjoyed the colors... the openness of physical landscape.... and the change of formats. Also, I really enjoyed the styling of Mary’s character. Very Kunt.
yesterday i went 2 a punk show . it might have changed my life;
Good morning. I meant to talk the last couple days but was kinda moving fast. Moving around. Gyahhhhh where do i start. Yesterday went to go see Obsession with P. I left the theatre disturbed..
Yesterday went into Fedup at 4am and started my shift at 4:15am. Didn’t finish up until around 9:30am. Got off, got some gas, came to the crib, started cleaning thre bathroon, got my workout in.
My Workout:
- 50 full burpees in under 2 mins.
- 12 Min Youtube Ab Workout
- 100 Pushup Workout ( 5 Sets of 20, different variations each set)
I didn’t end up getting to the city until like 1pm though. My first stop was ALDI’s, I grabbed my regular shit. Some lil fruits, some lil snacks. Don’t put a banana in the fridge for too long. It will turn black. Did one DoorDash order. I picked up an order from Steak N’ Shake, and dropped it off at this one house that I think was in The Hill. If you don’t know about the The Hill, The Hill is basically a heavily italian populated area of STL. But it’s pretty nice over there. There was a newer blacked out GMC Denali with off-road tires sitting outside the crib I delivered to. After I did that order I started heading to the midtown part of STL to go to the goodwill outlet bins out there. I really shouldn’t be going there often because I have litle funds as of recent. But I ended up there. Found this heather gray MIZZOU sweatshirt from the 90’s, a pair of 1980’s camo jorts, a milk crate, a billy graham book called ANGELS, ANGELS, ANGELS, God’s Secret Agents, ANGELS, and a random assortment of photos taken by someone in the early 2000’s. One of the photos is of an asian-appearing woman taking a photo of a little girl (possibly her daughter) leaning on what appears to be a 2004 Ferrari 360. The lady taking the photo was sporting a big ass Takashi Murakami - Marc Jacobs era LV Bag on her shoulder which caught my eye. But yeah. It was lil set of photos. I’ll take pics and/or scan when i get back to the studio today.
I’ve been seeeing 222 & 444 alot over these last couple days. Actually been seeing triple numbers in general alot over these last couple days. Left the bins yesterday at 3:33pm. I’ve been on this rollercoaster over the last week or two of just a combination of paralysis caused by anxiety / depression, whatever u want 2 call it, and also beautiful ass shit happening. Like right now I’m sitting outside typing this under some warm / chiil breeze, and I can hear the birds chirping. It’s 9:14am in St. Peters . It’s a beautiful ass day . The last time it was a beautiful ass day like this I quoted, “It’s a beautiful ass day to do some debauchery!” . And then proceeded to embark on a sexscapade. Not my proudest moment, but today will be different! First and foremost, I need to empty my system of all the junk I ate yesterday. I will do this by #1, not eating anything else, and #2, drinking a shit-load of water. LOL. No pun intended.
Dawg. Yesterday I discovered that I still have more “drugs” hoodies left! Woohoo!. Can’t believe I be having so much shit that I forget I still have some shit.
Click HERE®, or Click Nikki to enter the gallery. I’m gonna talk through some images over the last couple days.
“It’s very important to make sure you bullshitting as hard as you work”
- Nick Lawery 2026
Sitting at the studio waiting for Nick to get here. scanning some shit in. I paid the deposit for the 20th. Looking to test the waters at a new space for the next popup shop. Why do we do popup’s so much? Because more should be done. Especially here in STL. They shouldn’t be rare occasions. Sometimes i don’t even know what we‘re going to do for the popup. There isn’t always this huge pulling wave of inspiration that pushes a concept through for a popup. Often times the drive the yearning to do SOMETHING. To experience SOMETHING. To experiment with something.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me man. I feel like i’m losing it . I feel so fucking lost as of recent. Just mad out of place everywhere I am as of recent. First it was the robot feeling, now it’s..... it’s... I don’t even know anymore. I’ve been through hard times in this life shit before.. yes.. will get through this... but let me tell ya. I don’t know how. That’s how i feel right now. I don’t know how.
I missed work again today. Not sure if my alarm went off at all. Either way. I woke up 20 mins after I was supposed to clock in. I’ve already been talked to by the manager lady about missing several clock-ins / no-call no-shows. She had me sign a bunch of shit acknowledging that she talked to me about some shit. I told her for a couple of the call-offs, it was because i graduated community college and went out of town to attend the graduation. I don’t know. I fucking hate that job. I don’t care if they fire me. I should care though. I don’t have any money. That’s the only job getting me some money right now, and it’s a here and then thing. When i first moved to STL (and i discuss this in a previous blog post), I had 3 jobs really. Marc Jacobs, Fedex, and a screenprinting gig that was kinda occasional, but still paid. It was all cool, but I felt like a robot. I felt like I was losing myself in it. And most of all, I was fucking exhausted all the time. I don’t know what the solution is gang. Well actually , maybe i do. Maybe it’s just taking a while to materialize.
It’s not like this is the first time i’ve ever paid bills, ran g-a®, and been on some independent shit. It’s not. Before I moved, I did all of this.. I delivered packages. If I was ever short on bread it’s because I spent hella bread tryna invest in inventory or some sort of creative opportunity. But more or less, I always had some bread for food, gas, and shit like that. I’m not saying that things should be just like that again, but I’m trying to remind myself that I’m not some lazzee dude. Yes i spelt it like that. I would deliver fkkin 140 or whatever packs, haul ass 2 hrs to stl, do some shit like record music, or vend at an event, or whatever, and then drive back and do it again the next morning . I don’t know man. I just don’t know what is going on right now . I feel so fucking lost.
This is the first time in my life i’ve ever thought about using and abusing drugs . I started to greatly dislike the layout of the last site so welcome to your new home reader. Idk who reads this and would prefer not to know .. I’ve been gone for a couple months from blogging. It doesn’t seem llike a couple months. it just feels like it’s been a lil minute. I want to say I care about maintaining a certain level of positive vibes on-site but i’ll honestly say that recently shit has been weird as fuck. I don’t even want to say I don’t feel like myself, becaue I’m to a point where I don’t know what myself is gang .! I just feel like dissapearing and hitting restart game sometimes. I feel tired, on a level deeper than physical. Physcially I’m hitting like the man in the photo but every other way I’m fucking tired gang. I’m tired.
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